The Liberty Blog

Hey whats up my name is noah.  I have been at the liberty ranch now almost three weaks. Well today I have sort of a ruff time doing my chores do to an annoying foot injury. I have been taught though we need to be accountable for the chores we have, and all of our actions.  The chores put back in our life what we have lost, structure.  Also today we had a meeting that was very inspirational.  I have been sober now a little over 20 days and feeling better everyday. Each day I give thanks for each passing day of sobriety. Well that’s all I have later. 

8/4/2010

Well day number two of blogging and just to let you know, I suck at writing.  Since my ankle is messed up I couldn’t work in the garden lately and today aswell. So I had an appointment at the doctors office its what I was scared of its gout for all you that don’t know what it is, it’s a form of carpeltunnel.  Its sucks cause I have to change my diet.  Well that will be hard but its just another obstacle in my path of sobriety, but I got meds so it will go away atleast the symptoms will.  Well other that that we went to a group today and it was good.  Well that is all I got for today….see ya next time on the flip side.

8/5/2010

Its me again noah.  So today was a decent day did some chores and cooked a huge dinner cause dinner is one of my many chores.  It took a while cause we had extra veggies from our garden but time flew bye.  It was good then a lot of the graduates of the house came out for community group which is always interesting.  Well that lasted a while and most of all I got a lil bro for the first time, basicly im just going to be showing him the ropes.  Well not to mention I got a lot of words cause of other people today.  Other than that it was good and my foot seems to be healing…….thats all for today, later.

8/6/10

Well im back again whats up.  So today was activity night and we went out to kings buffet and it was good Chinese that is.  It was a full day of writing and cooking so it was basicly full day.  We were going strong till 1100 with everything.  Moe is coming back with movies that we can watch but I will have lots of words for tom. So fun let me tell you.  Tom. Is family group my mom is coming with my sister that should be fun.  Good food and a crazy group session.  The high light of my day was when me and a couple buddies were singing wonderwall in the van on the way to putt putt. For all those people that don’t know wonderwall is sang bye oasis…..well its sang bye us now!!!!!!! That’s all so later on…..peeps!

Noah

8/7/10

So whats up folks the kid from cincy here.  Well today was family day and I will say it was smooth and fun.  My mom was taken back a bit by some of  it I would say but she found it to be interesting, and informing.  We had to rush around and do our chores quick but other than that. It was relaxing as far as family day goes.  The second part of that was my essays and that was not fun at all I had to write a crap tun of words.  My own falt let my mouth do to much negative work.  The big part of the day is, is its moes  4 year birthday of sobriety that’s awesome .  he is pretty awesome of a person to, but don’t let him know it….that all for tonight so hit you on the flip side later.

8/8/10

Back again, so today was a chill day at the ranch and I liked it and also I didn’t get a bunch of words .  Sundays we have an easy day its sort of like a day off, we don’t have to do as many chores and not as many groups.  Basicly I just wrote my words and cooked for the guys and I couldn’t even eat most of the food due to my condition, gout!…..stupid.  but other than that it was cool so tom. Is are long day.  Well its time for me to hit the sack…check you later…..peace!

8/9/10

Hello again, its me noah back again.  Today was an alright day, since it was Monday we had extra chores so we had to spend a little more time on them.  Monday is extra dutie Monday.  Other than that we had a long dinner discussing pressing issues about the house which lasted long over which resulted in missing the meeting in somerset, hugs not drugs.  Other than that i talked to my sponcer about my patience and he wants me to assess the situation more  so I don’t come off to abrasive and look like im trying to intimidate people so ill look at that and move on to an another issue lol.  Well that is all for today later on peeps.

8/10/10  *Reflections*

Well im on reflections and have a bunch of words so this will be brief.  It is really my own fault forgot to turn in an essay so now I am righting a boat load of words for it.  Other thatn that it was an ok day…well im out ill talk at you later!!!!!!

8/11/10 *Reflections*

Well I did not know that I was suppose to be on reflections today and well I guess im going to get it for that one but oh well life will go on.  Some bad stuff append today , we were heading to Danville na and something went wrong.  One of my house mates had a seizure on the way so we pulled over real quick and called 911.  It was scary but he will be ok,  that is just another reason not to touch drugs and alcohol folks.  Well I am out for now later gots to do a lot of writing……till next time.

8/12/10

8/12/10  *Reflections*

Words,words,words!!!!!

8/13/10

Staying home to hang with dave and catch up on some stuff.  Glad to have all my words caught up and be off reflections.  Everyone else is going to the va meeting, but im here chilling.

8/14/10

Went on pass…..with neal to his parents house.

8/15/10

Whats up, so it is Sunday and my weakend was pretty good went on pass like I said.  A few guys and I went on a 24 hour pass to his parents and it was fun, we hung out and ate some good food.  My lil bro is doing better gladly cause at times I wanted to hurt him.  I talked to my sis today that was cool that is always good, I owe a lot to her and micheal.  Well I am out later folks.

8/16/10

Hello again how are you today, today was a good day as ice cube would say.  Today was Monday again so it was the extra chore day but it wasn’t so bad though my chores did not change much at all though.  We also had a new guy come in and we will see how he is and all.  Coocooachoo sorry I was bored anyways we went to hugs not drugs tonight and I shared there  for the first time, it went ok but I think I pissed someone off but ohwell we live and we learn.  Well as you see I am learning the hard way.  Well that is all for today and stuff but I will be back on tom.  Later on everyone see you on the other side……

8/17/10

Whats up all its me again noah.  So today was not to bad of a day other than I missed the Danville aa meeting I had to stay back with one of the guys who could not go.  He had a few problems and I hung with him and helped him out.  Basicly just another day of doing my deal but obviously I slacked on my lil bro cause he just fell apart today.  Then dinner happened and a graduate gave me a bunch of words and I was pissed and it sort of formed a resentment but I talked to my sponsor about it and he calmed me down and had me see it another way.  Still hate the words…..duh.  well I have something to think about tonight and grow from it.  Well that is what I have for tonight……later peeps.

8/18/10

Hey you all, back again. Today was long and we went to a good meeting but it was a weird night a lot of resentments towards myself fthat my friends here at the ranch are helping me with.  So ia m going to keep this short and ill hit you back later….

8/19/10

So it was another day at the ranch and it went pretty fast and I liked it.  It seems to me that I learn a few things about my self every day and I like it but I do resent my self a bit.  So that is just another thing I can work on, and not to mention I got a slew of words again.  And I have no lil bro any more.  I learned that I need to catch up with someone from my past,  and I anticipate that a lot.  Well that is all I got for today…..catch you on the flip side…….

8/20/10

Whats up people, today was a big day at the ranch.  One of my roommates had his one year sober that is pretty awesome, so we went to his home group and celebrated.  There were two other year or multiple year b days so it was cool.  Also my slew of words got nocked do to the fact that I fixed a slideing shower door. So it went fast and it was productive.  Tomorrow is family group and I am excited to see my sis and my brother in law.  (they are pretty awesome on a side note).  Also a buddy and I from the house might go on pass and that will be fun if we get approved.  If we do I will fill you in. well got to go I have to get my words done……. 

8/22/10

Well folks I missed yeaterday and I payed for it with words, my bad folks.  Well I went on oass with a buddie again this weekend it was good I had fun.  Got some new headphones and a coulpe new cds.  We also had family group this weekend and I saw my sis and my bro micheal.  They brought some cup cakes and some candles for my big bro and we sang a belated happy birthday to him at pot luck so he was quite shocked and elated I think by the way he acted.  I have to run and do something so keep real and keep your head on straight……..till next time.

8/23/10

Reflecting

8/24/10

Well today was an ok day.  Went to the Danville aa meeting and it was good.  Came home and a roommate of mine made tacos for lunch which were better than ever cause we had black beans instead of refried beans.  Then the day took a turn for the worse and well it suckes, not only so I have chef that takes a good portion of the day, I also have now essay monitor which is an ongoing chore throughout the day cause you have to keep up with all the words people get. The reasen I got that is cause the essay monitor got backed up on his words so I got to pick up the slack.  Which in turn will back me up, I feel why should I get all that dumped on me why hell I don’t know to be honest I know what they will say.  I feel it is his chore cant keep up sorry for him.  Well now I am going to getted backed up do to him.  Not to mention I got a lot on my mind about an old really good friend I need to talk to……anyways im out for now, later……

8/25/10

Well I was reflecting for a while tonight, so fun lots of words wooo hoooooo.  But it is all for the better good.  Today was a normal day just programming and some normal crap that happens when you got twenty dudes living under the same roof but what can I say this house saved my life like many others.  I didn’t have to keep essay monitor that is cool but I am still chef, man I am a server not a cook but they love the food, well that is all I got see you on the other side of the moon…..

8/26/10

Wow what a day, sorry going to make this brief.  Every thing that could go wrong during making dinner the propane tank for the grill went down then the mashed potatoes were wrong but darn it sucked.  Then we had community group and that lasted till 130 in the morning. So I am out……later…..

8/27/10

Hey folks how are you, well I am doing pretty rough cause my gout is acting up and well we had activity night and I twisted my bad ankle playing putt putt.  Yes yes I know that is pretty weak but heck it happened.  So yes I am in pain wery mush pain to be exact.  Other thatn that it was good got a new lilbro which is cool and dinner went smooth as butter.  Nothing big to speak of the weekend so ill hit you up tom…..later and goodnight.

8/28/10

So another day and another day sober, not all that bad.  We went to Lexington meeting to night and it was good.  I had a pretty good day and night and we also went to Lexington triangle.  Tom. Is pretty much are free day so ill hit you up tom………later………

8/29/10

Whats up folks just another day at the ranch and well it went ok got a nap in and well pretty restfull.  I have a few lil bros at the moment and I need to step it up a lil but I will get there.  I am about to get finished with my first step and my sponser is going to go over that this week and then we will go over that sat of next week.  Other than that it was a quiet day so havbe a good weak and pease out…….

Neal

8-3-10

Blog… What is blogging?  I don’t know but I was told to just write a paragraph on here so that I don’t get a bunch of words.  I guess we can start by saying that my day went well, I talked with my mother and she was excited to hear from me and to be coming to family group on Saturday.  I also went to work today and it was pretty hot late in the day but I managed not to die so that went well.  Came back and did a little step work tonight to help keep myself going in the right direction and now it’s time for bed.  So I hope that’s what a blog is suppose to be if not I’ll try again later.

8-4-10

Blogging for day number two.  Went to work today and it was absolutely miserable.  The heat index was somewhere around 115 and we were really busy so it pretty much blew.  When I got home I did some chores, talked to my sponsor, and I am going to do a little step work before I crash.  Gotta get up bright and early in the morning to do it all over again.  Hopefully tomorrow I will find a way to add more hours to the day.

8-5-10 *reflections*

So it’s been another long day here at the ranch, filled with work, a little bit of chores, and now group.  Getting up early and having to stay up late the night before takes a toll on your work performance but you have to make some sacrifices if you want the program.  That’s what I am here to do is to get the deal down and make a better life for myself.  We’ll see what tomorrow holds but for now it’s back to group.

8-6-10

Five thousand words knocked out in an hour and fifty five minutes, I would have to say I’m pretty proud of that.  I hate to have to write all of those words but at least if I am going to be doing it I will do it with the quickness and get it over with.  I didn’t get much sleep last night because of the group and then some meatheads in the house turning on the bedroom lights when I was trying to get to sleep but it was an easy day at work so I made it through just fine.  Tomorrow is the big family group and I’m excited to see my mom and spend some time with her and then hit the meeting in Lexington.  Time to do a chore and catch up on some sleep!

8-7-10

Another day sober going down in the books.  Today I picked up my 9 month chip which felt pretty good, but was not all that satisfying either.  What I did today was just stuff I should have been doing all along so it kind of puts a damper on the gratification.  I am glad that I have the time that I do because I had not went more than a day or two for six years without using or drinking.  Well it’s late and about time to hit the sack.

8-8-10

Well tomorrow will be the start of a new work week, and another day sober.  I’m sure there will be something trying come up in the next week but I’m ready for it because this house has given me some tools on how to deal with things.  I am grateful that I have made the progress I have made so far but know that I still have quite a ways to go but this is progress not perfection.  Starting on step six questions today and it is not very many questions but it looks like it will require a lot more thinking than the earlier steps.  Guess that’s it for the day.

8-9-10

Today was a pretty good day at the house but work was no good.  Something happened to the machine we work on and we ruined about six hundred boxes, luckily I was not the one that got in trouble for it because it had nothing to do with the way I operate the machine.  Other than that one snag up work has been really good so far, and so has things in the house.  They got one me a little bit about some little thing but I have dealt with it for so long and been working the steps and applying them to life so I handled it with no problems.  We’ll see what tomorrow has to hold though.

8-10-10

Well blogging is not for me today because not much has gone down.  We had a meeting at the house and I worked in the scorching heat which was no good.  It seems like every time the heat index is over 100 we have to stay and work overtime.  I like the extra pay but man the heat sucks.  I probably lost 5 pounds just today.  I’m moving along pretty well in the step work and just about done with the 6^th step which is not very long so hopefully I get it knocked out tomorrow.  Guess it’s about that time, until later…

8-12-10

Sweet man, another long day down in the books.   Just got out of group and it is eleven already, so going to work tomorrow I will have had at most 9 hours of sleep in the past two days and worked double that easily.  Got a good weekend coming up that should be pretty fun so we will see what it has in store.  Going to take a couple of guys and go hang out with the family hopefully so I may not be blogging this weekend.

8-13-10

Today is a good ole Friday the 13^th today and nothing bad has happened yet.  Today has actually been a good day and there is not a lot of stuff going on that is out of the ordinary.  The only thing that has been different is I am taking a couple of guys to Lexington to get some things and then to the parents house to hang out with them for a day.  It should be lots of fun so I can’t wait.

8-15-10

So I got back earlier from the time with the family.  This was a lot of fun and a much needed trip to the house to spend some quality time with them.  It’s good to be able to spend some time with them and not be worrying about how I can come up with a reason to get out of there fast so I can go do some other things that I should not even be doing.  I was actually not in the mood to leave there and come back to the craziness that goes down here but this is what I have to keep on doing to advance in the rest of my life.  Well off to bed so I can catch some sleep for tomorrows work day.

8-16-10

Another day down in the books.  This one was filled with reflections for not doing the cabinets that I was supposed to do over the weekend.  Oh well that is just the breaks when you got a lot of stuff on your plate and are here in the house.  Today was the start of another long work week so I thought, but today went by really fast for some odd reason.  Usually it just drags on and on but I think it may be because I had not gotten very much sleep last night that I was just pretty much day dreaming throughout the work day.  Well a new guy has just showed up so I’m gonna go hang out with him for a little bit.

8-17-10

So today was another day in the neighborhood.  I had to work again of course which was not too bad.  After that  I got back to the house and had a pretty good dinner.  It’s cool that we have a huge garden up on the hill and get fresh vegetables like jalapenos and corn.  When they first said that we had to go up there and take care of this huge garden I had a big resentment with it, but as times goes by and the rewards come it you can tell that the hard work the guys did in there has really paid off.  Well the meeting was good and that’s all I got, goodnight!

8-19-10

I just love group nights.  They drag on forever sometimes and get nowhere, then as soon as I get up to try and catch some rest for tomorrow, shit gets good.  Well I would stay up if there was not something each and every night that comes up as a reason to why I can not get good sleep.  The good thing is that work has been real easy and tomorrow is Friday so hopefully we get out early and have a good pass with the family this weekend!

8-20-10

Well tomorrow is family group and I’m pretty excited.  I can’t wait to see my mom and see all the other guys families come and spend some time with us.  I never wanted to hang out with my family before but now I want to spend more and more time with them which is cool.  I’ve been working hard at work and it will be nice to have a couple of days off to relax, so I’m on the way to do that now.

8-22-10

Back at the good ole ranch again.  It feels good to be back in a weird sort of way.  I have gotten use to this place and it is starting to feel like home which is not good.  If you are not uncomfortable you are not growing is what I have learned and it is true most of the time.  Well the weekend was good and I went to spend some time with my family, and today my sister and nephews showed up!  It was good to see them and spend some time with them.  Now when they see me they actually know who I am and are not hiding and asking my sister “who is that?”  That is just one of the many gifts of sobriety and it makes me want to keep coming back.

8-23-10

So I talked with my sponsor and my family and the house and came up with a good plan about going to get a new job.  I need to find a different one because they are backing out on the rules they had set into place so guys that worked really early could get a little bit of rest in, so that means it is time to get a new job for me.  Sleep is essential to life and to functioning for the day and where I am working I only make peanuts so to me it’s not worth it.  We’ll see what I can come up with this weekend, either a new job or a raise but only time will tell.

8-24-10

Another day down in the books.  The weather has been pretty nice the past couple of days, not getting very hot or humid which is awesome for work.  I hope that it keeps up that same pattern all week long and into the weekend.  I was heading to the probation office today and saw a sign for a restaurant that said they were hiring a cook position which is just what I was looking for.  I don’t know if it was coincidence or if my higher power may be telling me something but I shall find out soon!

8-25-10

There has not been a whole lot going on with me recently, I have been pretty bored and unsatisfied with the daily routine that is going on here.  I need new and exciting things in my life to keep me interested and motivated to get up and get moving out of bed in the mornings but it just seems that there is not much there at the moment.  I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary because it is, and that without the stuff that I am doing right now, I will never have a chance to do all the things that I want to do later on in life.  Well I gave my first lead at a meeting tonight and I think I did pretty well for it being just spur of the moment.  I tried not to make it too much about the using part even though I’m pretty sure it turned out that way, but I know I included stuff about recovery and steps and the gifts I have gotten back already.  Well that will be the end of it for now.

8-26-10

So tonight is another group night here at the Liberty Ranch and things have gotten under way.  I feel like I am writing the same stuff on here over and over again because it is all about working, meetings, and trying to get some sleep.  I guess if that is what goes on in the daily life in Ranch-a-roni then that is what they wanted to hear about.  So I will close with this, today we did not have a meeting, I did work, and I hope to get a little sleep after group before I have to go to work tomorrow.

8-27-10

Today sucked really bad at work.  I kept messing things up because I only got three hours of sleep and that is not ok at all.  When you work with heavy equipment and things of that nature you need more than just three hours of sleep.  We just got back from going and playing some putt putt which was pretty fun.  The guy who owns it is a trip and he is the reason that they do well there.  That’s all I got now so peace out.

8-28-10

Another day with a sweet blog.  I went to a pretty good meeting tonight and it was a pass around share so everyone got to contribute a little bit to it which is cool.  Then we went out to eat with a bunch of guys that are in the program and then went to watch the UFC fights.  All around it was pretty good but bed time.

8-29-10

Today was a pretty nice relaxing day.  Had the day off and after I cooked breakfast I just lounged around and then took a nap.  I should have not been so lazy and went to put in an application for a new job but it is pretty hard to not feel entitled to a good lazy day around the house.  Well the meeting was pretty good tonight and we fellowshipped for a little while but other than that things are good at the homestead.  

                                                                                                                                                                                    8/3/10

Hi my name is James

I will be writing about how my days are going here and some of the obstacles that I am facing.  Today I had a slow day dealing with stress and having to keep the house in order and holding guys to a standard that the house has set in place. I have not seen my parents in about two months and can’t wait to see them on the 24^th and let them see some of the ways that I have grown.   The stress that I am handling I could never believe that I could handle in the past and it is helping me to handle difficulties and not to sweat the small things. I have made some real friends that I can see be there for the rest of my life and they do not hold back and keep me to the same standard that I keep them to.  It sucks to hurt them but in the grand scheme of things I am helping them. I will hit this up tomorrow.

                                                      `                                                                                                                                  8/5/10

I am about to start on my fourth step and I have some fears about it. It is difficult and painful to look back and remember all of the hurtful mean things that I have done to my loved ones.  It makes all of that guilt and shame that I tried to stuff down and not face come out.  I know that it will only help me in my recovery and makes me a much stronger person.  I am not too happy about some of the sacrifices that I am going to have to make now do to being on this step. But like my sponsor said “you can sleep when you die.”  I used to live by this in my addiction and it would make sence live the same way because the only way to stay clean is to go after it like you did your drugs.   I got some chores to do so I will write again tomorrow.

                                                                                                                                                                                    8/6/10

I have been really stressed out lately and am really working on my patience that I have with handling people and tasks that I have to get done.  I have a big choice that I have to make and I am so willing to stay up all night if I have to so that I can go on this pass with my dad. In my mind it will be worth it because I will have accomplished a difficult task and the pass will be even more worth it and more meaning full. I have not seen him in 60 days and I can’t wait to see how he is doing and how his work is going.  I love to hear about what jobs he is doing and I love to look at the blue prints that he has for stadiums.  I have really been working on turning things over to my higher power and prayer. The days have stated to go by easier and I am more accepting of things then I ever have in the past. I got to go do some things piece.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/7/10

I am about to out on my first pass with my dad and I cannot wait. We are going to play golf and see a movie. I have not spent any time with him in 60 days and I am very glad that he is here. I worked hard for this and got all that I could do so that I am able to do this. I know that it is now more worth it and I feel more grateful for this ability to go on this pass. I get some time with just my dad and not with the house. It will give me a little break and then I don’t have to stress just for today. I keep telling myself that I need to let go and let god. I am really doing my best. Peace.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/8/10

I just got back from my pass with my dad and it was great. We had a lot of fun playing golf and talking. It was by far the best pass I have had or time that I have spent with him in a long time. It was sincere and was two sided not selfish. I still can play golf and not that bad after not playing for a year and a half. It was so great to hang out and not have to hide anything or not be me. It felt so good to be the son that he lover and to really be there for once. I have not been the best and was always crazy when I was around him and it was great to really have a real conversation with him. I can’t wait till my step mom and him come back in about 60 days. It will be even better because I will have grown more and be further in my steps and recovery. Gotta go check off chores.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/9/10

I had a stressful day today but made it through clean and happy. I am able to handle some stress without getting violent and now I am able to ask for help. It feels good to be able to put my ego and pride to the side and do something that will help me and I can be the best that I can. No one but me can control how I act or will be for the rest of the day and I am able to choose how I feel. If my day starts off badly I am able to turn it around and make it a good because I control me and not another person. I like having the freedom of being able to feel and not be numb all the time. I could never be there for my loved one and it means so much to me to be able to be there now. I need to get back to the house.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/10/10

Today I really want to sleep and I really have been stressed. I am starting to get mad at some small things and really need to focus on my part of things. I know that It has something to do with me and not really the other person.   I need to sit down and spend some more time on my fourth step and work some of the things out. I really want to get over the resentment that I have with my mom and start mending that relationship more then I have. I talked to her today and she told me that she was proud of what I am doing and that she van really see a change in the way I sound and talk. It makes me feel good to know that my mom does not see me as a lost cause anymore. I need some sleep.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/11/10

Today has started off really weird. I am cold and it is really hot and humid outside. I miss my dogs and my family a lot and it has been ninety days since I was home. I thought a lot about them a lot when I first got here but I have been so busy and doing the things that I need to so I can stay clean. I really want to see my mom before she moves on to Mexico but it is ok if I don’t because I will have grown more by the time that I do see her and I will be further in my steps. This fourth step is really helping me look at myself and recognizing my fears as well as seeing my part in situations. I have been doing my best to work on it every day and to keep on it and not procrastinate. I’m going to go check off some chores now so I will write more tomorrow.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/12/10

I’m on reflections.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/13/10

I have to accept a lot of things recently that I do not agree with and with the chore that I have I did not know what or really how to do it thoroughly. It is my fault because I did not ask how to do it the right way. I am taking the consequences with stride and stepping up what I am doing to fit the needs of the house so everything is looking good.  I have had to deal with some of the guys arguing because it was never this way or that was never on part of their chore. It is not easy to face friends that are slacking but I need to look at it in the way of that I am helping them and keeping everyone to the same line. I am also having some problems with holding people that I resent to that same in an appropriate manor and not yelling at them or coming across in a negative way. I am really learning a lot about myself and in what areas that I need improvement. This house is really helping me out a lot.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      8/14/10

I really need to lean to handle some more problems in a better way. I have been very stressed out lately and really feel like I need some help and even a break. I would really love to go on a vacation but I need to keep going at this so that I can get clean and be able to take vacations. I feel like I am waking into a hole every time I walk back in the house. I get slammed with questions things to write down and I have no idea what is even going on.  I need to be able to set my ground and then to handle what is going on but I do not have that leisure. I need to learn how to deal with it on a quicker basis. I got chores to do. I’m out.

                                                                                                                                                                  8/15/10

I am very tiered right now and I am also very stressed. I have been trying to get with all that I need to do and work with the house. I feel like I need some time to myself and just relax. I know that I am not going to get any and I will not just be able to set my problems aside. I need to face life and not run anymore so that I can handle difficulties when I am no longer in the house. This is giving me tools to handle problems when I am not here to have all of the guys to help me. I am glad that things are going this way but alone time would not be that bad right now. I’m going to bed.

                                                                                                                                                                  8/16/10

I want some sleep and now I am very tired. I have no idea what I am really doing and now I am feeling delusional and dazed. I have to learn to handle my patients al little more and I really need to give some people some more chances then to yell. I am mad at some people and I really need to calm down some so that I can do the deal. I really need to talk to some of the guys about what is going on with me. I need to go do some chores right now.

                                                                                                                                                8/17/10

I am so very tired and I need to work on keeping guys up to a line of the house. I have been slacking on it for no good reason and I have really not been doing my best. I need to figure out this crazy thing that is going on in my head with expectations and how I was raised. I feel that I am not making any progress and I really am. I know that if I do leave now I will use in a short period of time. This house is really helping me and i can start to look at things that I have done. I am not too happy about the fourth step things that I am doing but I need to get past to grow more. I’m out.

                                                                                                                                                8/18/10

I just talked to the house about some of the problems that I am going through and I got some really good feedback. I know now what I need to step up on so the house can run more smoothly and everyone can be more tightly. I have felt isolated and distant from the house recently even though I have been here I am not mentally here. It is not fun to be lost with in a house that you live in and I need to keep people in line. I have put way to much stress that I do not need to and have been in a bad spot.  I am really trying to work on that and to be a better house member.

8/19/10

I am starting to really starting to get back into things and now I feel a little better. I am starting to talk to new guys more and trying my best to help out others. I feel better when I get out of myself and do what the house asks. We are about to eat so I’m out.

                                                                                                                                                8/20/10

I am very tired right now and I really want some sleep. It really sucks that I have to wait for everything to be done so I can check it off and then go to bed. Some people procrastinate and wait so I have to surrender because I am powerless and I need to do what I have too even if it means that I need to sacrifice sleep. I got to check off the last chores.

                                                                                                                                                8/21/10

I am very tired right now and am more upset with some people here. I miss some of my friends and I really want to talk to my mom and sister but my mom is now out of the country. I miss famine companionship and really wish that I could spend some time with one. I also miss talking to people that are not here because it gives me a better perspective on how I am really doing. I sort of feel like I have not grown at all but I know I have made some baby steps. It is time for me to go to bed before I go fall asleep right here.

                                                                                                            8/22/10

I am really working hard on my fourth step to get it done. My goal is to get the questions done by tomorrow so I can start to really deal and handle the problems that I have going on right now. it is not easy and thinking about is sort of spinning me out but I am in a very good place and I always have people to talk to. Some of them I can wake up and they will be willing to talk. I am very grateful that I have that now and before I never did.

8/24/10

Reflections

8/25/10

Reflections

8/28/10

I am tired and really want to relax. I feel that I need another break and my fourth step is really beating me but the more I work on it I grow from it and feel better. I have no way to know why but I am facing my fears and I feel really good about it. I got some things to do now .

8/29/10

I was reflecting on the problems that I was having and sort of still am. I can see my part in some of it and I know that I am in a bad attitude about some things. I need to really start on stepping up and really working with people so that they are held to the houses line. It is not easy when I feel that I am having problems with myself do to my fourth step but the only thing that I can do is really work though it and grow. I’m going to bed.

8/30/10

I am very tied and have a lot to do. This will only test my tolerance an d patience with things that I need to do and get done. I am now on a stretch of feeling better and that I have put more into this chore I’m on. I need to go and get some sleep but I can’t because I have responsibilities that I need to do. So I’m going to go and do them now.

8/3/10

Hi all. My name is Ian, and I will be blogging from the Liberty ranch from this point forward. I have been at the ranch for a little more than three weeks now, and I am coming up on thirty days sober. I am so grateful for the ranch and the people here. This place is certainly unlike any other recovery residence I have ever been to. I learn more and more each day that I am here, and I have no doubt that this place will provide me the necessary foundation for enduring sobriety – if I remain open to the experience that is. Until next time…

8/4/10

I tried to remain as grateful as possible today. Certainly, I have a lot to be grateful for. However, I’ve got some issues going on in my life that are making it tough at times. I guess the reality of the situation is, though, that my troubles at this time are a direct result of my drinking and using behavior. As such, I truly do have a lot to be grateful for – my life, my health, the support of my family, and the love of my higher power. I will go to be tonight trying to focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t…

8/5/10

Today is my thirtieth day sober (twenty-sixth day at the Liberty Ranch). When I think back to the person that I was when I arrived here, I am fairly astonished at how far I have come already. I can’t believe how much this house has changed me, my behavior, and my outlook in such a short period of time. I must remember, however, that I am still in the beginnings of my sobriety and I must continue my progress (not perfection!) in the right direction.

8/6/10

Well today was a bit of a trying day. I am dinner chef this week and that has really caused me to have to manage my time wisely. For various and sundry reasons I was assigned two-thousand nine-hundred words yesterday and I had to have them written by 4:30pm today. To make a long story short, I was barely able to finish them and was about to blow a gasket. The important thing though is that I did not end up flipping out. This says to me that sobriety, the twelve steps, and the house has taught me something because I certainly would not have been able to keep cool thirty days ago.

8/7/10

Yawn..good morning. Today is family group day. We have this every other Saturday. It is actually quite fun. We all get a chance to meet other members’ “folks” and have a group that is often quite enlightening. Unfortunately, I do not have any family coming which kind of bums me out. I have gotten word from my mother, though, that she and my brother are going to do their best to be here in two weeks. So this week I will try to remain selfless and get joy out of the experiences of the other guys in the house. If they are helped then I too am helped.

8/8/10

Well, I finally got those papers that I was so concerned about. I will have to go to court tomorrow morning to see how things are going to work out. The one thing that I have to remember whole-heartedly is that I am NOT in control of this situation. It is God’s business, not mine. So long as I can maintain this attitude things will work out exactly how they are “supposed to”. I’ll keep you all posted (ha, no pun intended) on how things turn out.

8/9/10

So, I didn’t end up going to court today. Some archaic law in effect requires that I be served a subpoena every two weeks. Strangely though, I am not required to appear. Ah the justice system. Oh well, I guess this is how things are meant to be. I have been told that my “actual” court date is not until October which gives me a long wait. It’s just time to stay in today I suppose. Like Moe says, “Just imagine a hula hoop around your feet. Everything inside the hoop is what I can control. Everything on the outside is God’s business.

8/10/10

Man I am tired. I spent the day in the garden with another house member doing some much needed weeding and revitalizing of a large flower bed. It was four or five hours spent in the baking sun. While it was not fun while we were doing it, I did get a great sense of accomplishment when everything was done. Accomplishing a task from start to finish is something that I was almost never able to do in active addiction. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

8/11/10

I got to bed early last night, and I’m feeling much better after our work-a-thon yesterday. So far, today has been a good one. Some light gardening, some laundry, and, of course, some words. I really hope we will get to make it to our meeting in Danville tonight. I like that particular meeting quite a bit, and there is a lot of good sobriety there. I am going to try and incorporate today’s daily meditation and keep my ears open.

8/12/10

Oh man did I have a lot of words to write today – thirty-four hundred in all. Taneth came over to the house yesterday and got us bad for having messy drawers, messy closets, etc. It was bad. The whole house felt it. Oh well, I just finished them. It wasn’t too terribly bad. Now it is just about time to go cook dinner – BBQ chicken…mmmmm.

8/13/10

Happy Friday the 13^th everyone! I’m so glad Friday is finally here. The weekends albeit busy are the time when we all get to do a bit of relaxing. This weekend we also get to go see Inception. I’m pretty pumped about that. I haven’t gone to the movies in months. It’s not a family weekend so I hope things are fairly calm, but only time will tell! Talk to you all soon…

8/14/10

I just got back from an NA B-B-Q  - quite the good time. Then we all went to see Inception at the theatre. Man, what an awesome movie. I think I’m going to watch a bit of TV (as if I haven’t spent enough time in front of a screen!) and then go to bed. Tomorrow being Sunday, we all get to sleep until 10:00 – woo hoo!

8/15/10

Well, I don’t really have a whole lot to say this evening. It has been a pretty lazy day. I watched a couple of movies and hung out with the guys. Not much went on other than that. I am very thankful for days like this as they tend to be few and far between. Tomorrow begins the usual business, but I’m thankful for that too as it keeps me out of my own crazy head.

8/16/10

We’re buried in spaghetti. It’s spaghetti day number two. Moe made so much sauce we’re having it again tonight. Fortunately, we somehow acquired a 10lb box of pasta – Who knows where in the world that came from. Heh, not to mention I ruined a shirt making the stuff. Oh well, it is going to be tasty. After that it’s off to a meeting…

8/17/10

I don’t really have much to say today. I got to get out in public today with Brian and do some shopping for the house. Man do we go through some food around here. It took most of the day, but that’s alright – A little service work never hurt anyone. I guess that I should be glad that he even selected me to go with him. I suppose that means that I am at least somewhat trusted around the house. Anyway, like I said, I don’t really have much to say. So, until tomorrow…

8/18/10

It sure is a nasty day outside, but the rain is needed. On the plus side, rain makes the grounds chore much easier. Strangely the rain is very cold too. I would have expected that the rain would have been warm given that the temperature outside is still fairly hot. I guess cold rain is just a KY thing. Anyway, I’m off to try and finish my words (early) and try to make some time to watch a movie or something.

8/19/10

Sigh…Today has been a tough day thus far. Outside of the normal day-to-day routine I have finally had to face some of my legal issues. I am struggling to determine if I need an attorney, which attorney to go with, and how to handle it all financially. It is really tough right now to stay in the moment, but that is what I am trying to do. I’m hoping that a conversation with Moe here shortly will help clear some things up.

8/20/10

The weekend is finally here! Even better, it is family weekend and my mother and uncle are coming to visit. This will be the first time that I have had visitors since I got here about forty days ago. I’m very excited, but I’m nervous at the same time. I’m sure it will go well though. I’ll  let you all know. Now though, it is movie time.

8/21/10

Well, all of the families are here. There sure are a lot of them today. This should turn out to be a really cool day. We’ll have a little group action, then some awesome food. It is always so nice to have something to eat that is not the normal weekly menu. Tonight we’re going to play putt-putt, weather permitting. It is supposed to rain though…we’ll just have to wait and see.

8/22/10

I received some news today that is a bit disturbing and may adversely affect the length of time that I am allowed to stay here at the ranch. I’m trying to stay out of my head about the whole issue as I’ve been told that management will handle it. Nonetheless, I have my fears. I don’t want to ramble on to much about it, so I will stop there.

8/23/10

Hmmm…well I don’t really have much to say tonight. However, I did receive some insight today during recovery dynamics that has really got me thinking about my situation. Perhaps things and my feelings towards these things are not exactly the way I originally perceived them. A bit of reflection on my part might, if done whole-heartedly,  greatly help my progress in the program. Until tomorrow…

8/24/10

Geez – What a day. I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The existing work coordinator was on reflections all day (and will likely be again tomorrow), so I had to take over all of his responsibilities. I enjoyed it and I enjoyed the chance to “step up”, but at the same time it was a trying experience. Either way, I get a chance to do it all again tomorrow – or at least all morning.

8/25/10

I’m still on work coordinator today, but I think I am actually getting the hang of it. Also, I was able to delegate one of my other chores which will give me more time to handle these new responsibilities. Otherwise, things are going very well today. I’m hoping for some news regarding my financial issues. I really hope I hear something.

8/26/10

Well it’s community group night tonight. That means that it is likely going to be a late one. I always learn something valuable on group night though, even if I am not being the one “grouped”. It is a great opportunity for us to learn how to deal with various and sundry issues that can arise throughout the course of one’s first year or so in sobriety.

8/27/10

Another day in the books. Today was a bit rough. I have quite a few things I need to discuss with my sponsor. There is nothing that can’t be figured out though. I’d just rather him think for me regarding these issues. I’ll keep you all posted on their progress.

8/28/10

I had a bit of a worrisome day today. I have not received some papers I expected to receive about two weeks ago. Although management has told me not to be too concerned about it, I am still troubled because the papers are related to a legal matter. I would really like to be updated on what’s going on. I will try some more tomorrow, but, right now, it is time for some sleep.

8/29/10

It’s turned out to be quite the relaxing Sunday. I had a minimal amount of words to write – only 300, and was able to enjoy an afternoon movie. I also had the opportunity to spend a good bit of time checking in with some of the new guys. It was cool to get to know them and where it is that they come from.

8/3/2010    

Hey my name is Harry and I will be blogging. I am not too excited about it because I used to have to blog every night but the house’s computer broke. Now that it is back up and running I have to do it again well that’s all I got for this blog. Later fellas.

8/4/2010

Well  I just got back from work and I just finished my chore I am in a pretty bad mood. Nothing major or anything but I really was not in the mood for it today. Today has really just been a bad day. Well there is always tomorrow . Well I am going to go finish my chores and work on my fourth step.

8/5/2010

So I just got out of group and I am extremely tired but I will live. I am thinking about getting a new job because the one I am working at now is not cutting the mustard. Well it is time to get some stuff done so I will write some more tomorrow. Later gators.

8/6/2010

I am pretty happy right now we all just went  out for activity night and it wa pretty fun. I am glad that I was able to have some fun tonight well later folks.

8/7/2010

Well tonight I stayed back from the meeting in Lexington so that I could work on my stepwork. It is pretty hard to get a lot of stepwork done because I work but I am sure I will be able to get some of it done tonight or a descent amount done. Well I guess that is all I got for this blog so I will be checking in tomorrow god I sound like such a moron doing this

8/8/10

Hey there I have been having a pretty good day . I have been working on my fourth step all day today and I still have more to go so I am going to work on it some more. I really do not have a lot to type up tonight  so that is all I got later folks.

8/9/2010

I’m on REFLECTIONS!!!!!!!

8/10/2010

I am done with my 4^th step and pretty happy about it. I have been doing it for ever so it feels pretty good to be done. Well tomorrow I got another day at work and it is pretty good to be working. Well that’s pretty much all I got so I will talk to you later.

8/14/2010

Well I had a nice day today I made some cheese cakes for the house. It took forever because I did not have a blender but oh well they turned out good. Well I am pretty tired and I still have a chore so I better get going. Talk to yall later.

8/15/2010                 

Well I work in a call center and I heard that tomorrow is suppose to be one of the busiest days of the year. But oh well I am not as stress out as I normally would be. And part of the reason is because I am here. That is pretty cool to know. Well another classic day at the ranch.

8/16/2010

Well guess what I was just woken up to blog so I am in no mood I will make it better tomorrow later.

8/17/2010

I need to make up for yesterdays blog because it is pretty weak. I had a pretty bad day today because my work sent me home early and I hate not getting enough money because then I have to be cautious all week about money. Well I am pretty bored right now and I feel like I need to be doing something so to me that sounds like a good enough reason to get off this blog. It seems like I have wrote enough so I will see yall later gator.

8/18/2010

Ok so I am just about to go to bed and I remember that I still had to blog but I really can not think of jack to write about. I feel pretty good the only bad thing that happened today is I got written up at work for making a mistake but it is not a big deal. Well besides for that I can not stop thinking about what is in store for me in the future. I spend most my time just sitting around thinking about what is going to happen. Well that is pretty much all I got so I think that I am just going to go ahead and hit the sack. So I will catch yall later.

8/20/2010

I am so tired but I am going to have to get a blog in. I have had a really good day today up until dinner then things kind of got a little weird but at least they were not to bad. Well tyler had a year tonight that was pretty cool. I really do not know what to blog about or evenwhat a blog is so I am going to wrap it up now.

8/22/2010                 

Well I have not blogged for a while but I had  a good weekend. I went to lake Cumberland with another guy in the house. It was pretty cool to be able to do that while in the house. Well I am really excited because I got an exit plan it has taken a lot of time and effort butt I finally did it. I thought it was impossible but it shows that it is not. Well that is all I got tonight later.

8/23/2010

I am really excited I got to see the house I will be moving into very soon that is really cool. I could not of done it with out the ranch. So it keeps me pretty grateful. Well I got to get up really early tomorrow so I am going to have to leave now. see ya.

8/24/2010

So I just got back from looking at the inside of the house I will be moving to. And I am so excited. I really do not believe that I have actually been able to do this it is one of the best feelings in the world. I was looking at another guys blogs and I really do not know how some one could blog about so much . I feel bad that I am not doing nearly as much as they are. It just feels really weird to me that people all around the country could be reading this. So I get kind of weird when I blog about stuff. Well so that is all I got and I will catch up later.

8/25/2010

Well I have a very stressfull night ahead I am filling out my exit plan and I am very nervous. I Have a lot of different types of emotions going through me. Well that is really all I got tonight.

8/26/2010

Lets just say tonight did not go as well as I thought it would be. That is one thing I learned expectations are premeditated resentments. Well that’s pretty much it.

8/27/2010

Well once again I had a pretty good day. I went with the guys to go miniature  golfing it was pretty fun. I am going to help josh my sponsor move his house tomorrow. I am kinda glad I will be doing something besides just sitting around on my butt. Well I do not know what else to blog about so I am just going to go ahead and take a shower and go to sleep.

8/28/10

Well I just got back from moving some of my sponsors stuff. I really had a good time. I am really tired so I think I am going to go to bed soon. But I really do not have much to write about.

8/29/2010

Well I just got an essay for leaving a bunch of money out and I am not to excited but that is alright man. Words are words. So any ways another week I have to go to work tomorrow and I am alright with it I am not like thinking about it to much which is a really big change from the time I first started working. Well it seems like my problem with sharing in meetings is coming back up I could not share to save my life tonight. I should probably share tomorrow then because I do not want to set a bad example for the other guys. I am pretty excited my sober birthday is in about four days it is really cool well that is about it talk to yall later.

Shawn S.

8/11/09

today was a busy day. I drove around all day pretty much. Taking a guy to school, getting the van serviced and taking the manager to the bank and some other errands. Its cool to do things for the house and also get out of the house. I was just talking to another person aboput how we have to make a transition to society im out

8/12/09

so today was alright I worked and drove the guys to the garden and now what is going on with me is I am excited to get a car and hopefully a new job after im done with this one. I might go on pass this Friday wioth jimmy and cameron and im stoked about that. I haven’t been on any overnight passes since I have been at the rinch. Im on my 8th step still and im just chillin till my sponmser is ready to go over it. He had some tragedy im his life and he needed time to get his head right. In the house I stay off reflections and im trying to be of service to my best ability.;l I gotta go and do some things bye bye

8/13/09

whgats up its 3 o clock and  I have an attitude check to write then I have free time. Today was a busy day I was the chauffer for the house haha. I like days where I am always doing something. It gives me less time to let my mind wander. I got a couple awereness strikes today which is a common thing for me so that’s what im working on. Im going to Lexington tomorrow with jimmy tomorrow.  Im looking forward to going ot the mall, hangin out with jimmy and his family and just taking it 3easy. I always have a little fear before I go on pass cause I have been in this environment for so long I don’t know what to expect. Last time I went on pass it turned out good. I have to embrace the unknown. Yeah. So im going to call my dad today which I hate doing because I feel bad that I have not called him and I know how much he want to hear from me. Whatever I put myself in that spot and I can get out of it my keeping in touch with him. That’s abou8t is for now im done

8/14/09

so its after groupo and I am TIRED. We just had a really good group we went over a lot of things that needed to be dealt with. Chase just left because he did not want to put what was in front of him. He qwas the ‘go to guy’ which is basically the I can program except he can do chores and stuff. I was on the program and yeah it was very difficult but I just hate to see him leave over something as asimple as that and now I am very tired I have to go to pass this weekend and I am going to get a haircut tomorrow and now I will pass out thank you goodbye

8/15/09

whats up im writing word went on pass with jimmy and it was cool.  I ma petty busy right nowso I gotta go peace I had a good day and I hope I don’t think that I will not get any strikes with that so for now I gotota go peace

8/16/09

Sunday. Its been a relaxed day so far. I took a delegation for dub c and its bneen good so far. I have got to make it a point to call my dad and my aunt today. No biggie. Nothing much going on today. I feel alright. Still have to go over the rest of my 8th step with my sponsor. Iu will set up a day when I call him. Ive been wanting to check in with the guys in la ill do that today if I find the time haha. Well that’s all I got for today well see what comes as the day moves on.

8/17/09

so today is Monday and it wasn’t manic. I woke up feeling good went to work and we have made some progress. I feel alright still trippin about the financial wituation ill take to my sponsor about it anyways bakck to work

8/18/09

today it rained so we couldn’t work. I finished my 8th step today. Im going to go to vegas to make some of the buig amends and im nervous about that. For now I have to focus on writing the amends out and then worry about going to vegas when im done with that. All in all it was a relaxed day. I didn’t get that many strikes and im tryig to keep that up. So that’s all I got I gotta do a attitude check before dinner.

8/19/09

whats up today was a good day so far and I drove around a grip. I am going to dinner so I gotta go I will write some more tonight

/

/8/20/09

whats up today I had a good days worth of work. I ran newcomers group last night and it went well it’s a good chance to get out of my self especially aince I have been thinking about myself and whats going on as far as my car my job and going to vegas to make amends I feel overwhelmed. Its cool though im still doin what I need to d o in the house and its gonna stqay that way. Now I have to go to dinner so ill see you later. Whoever you are.

8/21/09

today was a crazy day. I got like 4 hours of sleep and I ran a bunch of errands for the house and I forgot one of em and that pissed me off. I I came back to the house and took an extra ½ hour off for luch so I could get my stuff done and  I get called out before I finish my firsty essay. As a result of me not writing my words in the ½ hour window I had this morning I got a no pb. Yeah im pissed I wish I could cuss in blogs. To top it off Ronnie said that he heard me say the G word. i am positive I didn’t say it and its bloody retarded. Well whatever im gonna go to divnner and sit there for probly 4 hours because someone cant get honest. Im still sober so I guess today was a good day. what can ya do?

8/22/09

so tonight I am in a spot of gratitude. I see the insanity going on in the house and I look at the spot I was in before I came to Kentucky and the first 2 months I got here and I feel great. I was on the verge of getting kicked out and by gods grace I came here, but I still fought. I think what set me on the right track was being humble, honest, and working a better program, which was all suggested to me by other alcoholics. Now I do have things that I need to change. I know that I have been in a spot of complacency for the past week. I can see it now that if I continue on down this path I will be right where I started. I cannot afford to be in that spot and I owe it to myself and the house to stay in a good spot. I have things on my mind that I need to deal with like the money situation. Will I be able to afford a car in the next month or will I have to work for a few months and then get one. Will I continue to work at the house with boone or will I get a stable job? What about going to vegas to make amends. I feel overwhelmed. But when I look at it from a different angle, I get to have all that on my plate now. I get to deal with things and I get to be responsible for once in my life. So with that I know one thing and that is I know nothing. By turning it all over to my higher power I will not have to worry about anything. He has kept me sober ths long and I have gone through some colossal obstacles while I have been sober and im here right now alive and breathing. Im tired so Im gonna pass out.

8/23/09

ok so here I am with this I am on the computer and I am blogging. Today I went with matt to walmart and dq. It was alright he is kn this program where he has to take ghuys to go out and do something and check in. I didn’t really start any conversation because it is his program and I think he should be the one talking he really did not say much. Anyways I am going to work tomorrow another day. I got to start working on my amends. Im gonna stay home tomorrow from the meeting and get that started. Im turning in my ¾ status this week yes I have procrastinated on it but all I cvan do now is do it. I was thinking about what it would be like to graduate and my head has been everywhere else thjan the now. Well for now I will take the time to get in the now. Bye bye

8/24/09

woah another Monday. It was hard to get going thisa morning but when I get like that I have to go full throttle. Had a good day of work. Things went w4ell. I am now going on to my 10th step while I write my amends and begin to plan how I will make them. So I have a idea of how the next few months will go. I will keepo working with boone till the job is finishe3d. in the meantime if my aunt is able to buy my car then I will make affordable poayments to her every month. Cool huh. After thaty I am going to get a better job and look forward to graduating. I feel like I am closer tthan I realize. I have been trying to not think about uit but I do every once and a while. So for now I will smoke take a showeer and go to dinner. Hopefully go to a meeting and get nop strikes. Hallelujah.

8/26/09

so Tuesday it is. Im on my lunch break and just taking it easy right now. I have nno words to write and I am going to take it easy. Oh I already said that. Well I donmt have much to say right now so I will leave you with that.

8/27/09

reflections

8/30/09

crazy day don’t have much time toblog but yeah I got a bunch opf strikes for being unaware and ill ne writing for it tonight tomorrow is a new day

8/31/09

so today was a little less hectic. I drove around again today. I took josh to the doctors. Now ray put me in charge of getting the band together to play on Friday and Saturday nights at the diner. Im excited about it and at the same time nervous. Im gonn print out tabe for a couple songs and we are going to practice em and hope that we sound good on Friday. Well that’s all I got peace.

9/1/09

reflections

9/2/09

damn today has been another busy day. Ive been driving all day pretty much. Going to liberty, the garden, the diner, and the females house. Its cool though it keeps me busy and I getto help the house out. it feels good to hgelp the house because I know how much it has helped me. So right now I am getting out of a semi bad spot. I am starting to call my family, I am turning in my ¾ status tonight and I am going back to work. The thing that I am nervous about is the band playing at the diner this Friday. I havnt had the guys practice it. I have been real busy but there has been a little bit of time at night when we could have practiced. Well I guess its notthat bad if we have to push it back a week I mean at least when we play we will sound decent. I have a lot going on compared to a year ago and it feels real good. it is stressfull at times but I can always know that it will pass and I will feel good about it in the end. I can see where I need to grow more and that’s awesome because I used to see just darkness. I didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know how. Today I can deal with life on lifes terms and even though I make mistakes its okay because I learn from them and I AM STILL SOBER!!!!! Well that all I got fo today I have to write 3 more essays  and drive to pamida to pick up jimmys meds. Well perace

9/3/09

reflections

9/4/09

reflections

9/5/09

so today we had family group. It was alright we dealt with chris Dillon, tyler and a few others. So now im about to go on pass with tyler and dillin. Were going to lake Cumberland and were going to wake board and jet ski. Its gonna be so awesome I have not been wqakeboarding in years. Itscool to be able to do stuff like this I am gratefull to be able to. Anyways I called my family and it felt goo just to call them. I only takled to my brother but at least a called the others. I know ill talk to them soon its no problem. I have my ¾ proposal turned in and I cant wait to read it. Im look ing forward to finish my words and have aclean slate. Im in a pretty good spon right now.

9/6/09

reflectionsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

9/7/09

so today is one fo those growing days. Im pissed off at myself. I got a couple reflections strikes and I don’t think I will get credits on all of them. But thank god I know how to get out of that. Call my sponsor. And take action im gonna go thru my room and clean it up im gonna call my family and im gonna work on step work maybe haha. Anyways I feel good other than that I want to read my ¾ proposal tonight I just want to get it over with. I want to get my words and write them. I think this could be the last big essay that get if I want it to be. So Im real anxious right now and I need to do something before I sit in it and rack up a bunch of strikes. Well that all I got for now bye

9/8/09

so today is alright im not getting what I want and im pissed. I only worked for like 2 hours today. I have been writing words most of the day. I had 2 thousand and I fell asleep while I was writing my last thousand. That pisses me off more than anything. Its something htat I struggle with and people don’t don’t get that it’s a problem. When im writing I have to stand up every 15 minutes and walk around to not fall asleep. It takes time out of my writing and whenever I want to sit donw for an hour and just wirte I fall asleep. I hate it. It burns me up. That’s another thing qwhen im out of the house I wiont be sitting at a table for 2 house writing. It wont be a problem for me. If I have a desk job I can see myself falling asleep if I don’t have anything to do but that’s why im not  gonna get a desk job. Its ridiculous. Right now I am irritated with the little rules and im pretty much sick of it. But on the other side I know that its only temperory and its for the better. I mean I have over a year sober and its because of the helpo of the house. I have a bed to sleep on food to eat clothes, a family, and some peace of mind today so why trip about it?

Matt F.

8/15/09- well my dad is in town today for family group good to see him we get to go out tonight for my first overnight pass pretty happy about that hope this family group goes alright  can’t wait to get the fuck out of here for the night

8/16/09- great day today spent the day with my father that was great it was really good to be able to get out of the house for a night and it actually felt like being a normal person and not some guy in rehab for a change it was good to tell my dad about staying in Kentucky and then hearing his support for the idea and how he is willing to help me out with whatever I might need. Pretty cool

8/17/09- just got back from a meeting in nicholsville pretty cool to get to a new meeting when they ask if it was anyones first meeting or first time there I got to introduce myself and half the people there came up to us and thought it was my first meeting  I got a kick out of that went to a coffee shop in Lexington after the meeting and that got me a little home sick the whole college feel to the thing really reminded me of home but my sponsor told me to look at it as instead of what I was missing at home to see it as how things are a lot similar here and I can have what I miss here if that makes any sense my sponsor said it better and it made sense and so now if I get missing the home town I can head up to Lexington and get a taste of it if I want yeah

8/18/09- good day today work was good they were putting out a lot of wood but not much work for me hell I kept falling asleep while puttying the freakin boards today how sad is that I need to ask the graduate who works there how the heck he got more than four hours of sleep a night maybe he had some trick to getting to bed early or something oh well I don’t have any trouble getting up at quarter to five but as soon as I get on the highway it starts to hit me how tired I am oh well no rest for the wicked but other than that life is good went to that new na meeting tonight its real cool to start going to a meeting that is just starting I hope at some point down the road I can go there and look at all the faces and say to myself that I was there in the beginning when there were only five or six of us that would show up and look at it now I guess that sounds kind of messed up somehow but I think it will be neat to see a meeting grow over time well still in a good spot and ready for bed good night and god bless us all

8/19/09- well another good day work went good except for barry  keep poking me in the side to fuck with me it was funny at first cause I am kind of ticklish and jumpy when someone pokes me in the side like that but when he keeps doing it every minute that stuff gets old real quick oh well I figure I should just let him know how I feel need to get over that fear of confrontation but everything else is going good god bless us all

8/20/09- well another day has gone by and I am as tired as a , hmmm can’t really think of anything to compare it to well anyway I am really tired this getting only four and a half hours of sleep a night during the week gets old real quick but I think I am handling it well started training in a new station at work they had me grading the wood just when I get comfortable in a spot they move into something new oh well it is a good thing we always need to keep growing and moving up and on can’t stay in the same spot forever keep on moving on as they say well I’m off to bed for dreams of sugarplum fairies to dance in my head hah good night and god bless

8/21/09- well I got one and a half hours of sleep last night after a gnarly group last night it freakin lasted until three in the morning god am I tired actually fell asleep at work while standing there grading lumber

8/22/09- well a relaxing Saturday and not much going on gonna head down to mcyd’s with gammer and get some lunch but other than that I aint doin’ nothin today I guess we will have another fun dinner tonight but at least we can get a good nights sleep again I am starting to hate the week and lack of sleep oh well at least I am working got my first paycheck since I started working for the company and not the employment agency pretty sweet with the raise starting to get some money saved up is a good feeling this is the most money I’ve had saved up in a long freakin time life is good

8/23/09 just another lazy day but at least I get out of the house for a bit today just not feeling like I wamt to be here today

8/24/09- well it was a good day today after I got in the swing of it went to wal-mart with one of the guys it was nice just to get out for awhile it really gets to me being in here sometimes just knowing that I only have two more months left here before I graduate is enough to drive me crazy half the time sometimes all I can think about is being back in the real world again and how anxious I am and then how weird it’s going to be like am I going to be able to handle it and not mess up like I did before oh well we’ll just have to wait and see take it one day at a time easier said that done some of these days but other than that we are doing well oh yeah played cornhole for the first time today pretty bad at it but it was fun oh who am I kidding I still have this competitive streak in me that gets me aggravated when I don’t do well at games like that oh well life goes on god bless

8/25/09- another fun day today and yes I am being sarcastic work sucked today I am getting trained at a new job at work and I really can’t stand it it really frustrates me that I can’t seem to get it right after three days of training the boss tells me this job takes a little time to really get it down but it still aggravates me that I can’t seem to get a feel for it oh well I know it will just take some time and I need to get over this pride and ego that keeps messing with me other than that today was good went to a na meeting that just got started up this is it’s third week and I’ve gone every Monday now since it started which is pretty cool it feels good to see the start of a new meeting and be a part of it. Peace and god bless

8/26/09- well another day another dollar at work nothing real exciting there but I am doing good today had a nice chat with one of the guys in the house over ice cream tonight it’s nice that I get to take out one guy every night to go to McDonalds and just check in with them although I think I am gaining weight from the food every day I really need to start running or at least getting some more exercise that is one thing I miss from my life before was the having to walk or ride my bike everywhere oh well hopefully once I get out of here I can get back into biking oh well god bless

8/27/09- well all is quiet on the western front hah get it? Oh well seriously though everything is pretty cool here one of the other guys in the house started working at the same place as me so that’s pretty cool we just got two new guys in the house tonight so we should be pretty well off for the rigors of newcomer insanity god I almost feel sorry for them cause I remember what it was like when I came in the house it was my good deed for the day to get them mcdonalds for dinner. Feels good to just do something like that out of the blue well I’m off to bed these days are getting too long for my taste I’m getting too old for this hah god bless

8/28/09- well an early night of group thank god I can’t stand the groups that go past two in the morning that was what I expected well I’m off to bed I don’t want to be to tiered while working on the saw tomorrow god bless yall

8/29/09 – well had to work today on a saturday oh yeah overtime freakin tiered but oh well what are you going to do have some dinner it looks like

8/30/09- I love Sundays not much going on here talking to mom today was nice can’t wait to see her and my brother in October that will be cool and then it will be pretty close to my one year being here oh my I can’t believe that is coming up so quickly to be honest I hope they graduate me at a year but we’ll see either way I don’t think I am going to pay for any more time here and I don’t think mom will

8/31/09- well another day another dollar I hate coming home some days and today I am not looking forward to dinner

9/1/09-reflections

9/2/09- reflections

9/3/09- reflections

9/4/09- reflections

9/5/09- reflections

9/6/09- what a day just another Sunday and there is not much  going on here took some of the newcomers out to sommerset today just to get them out of the house felt good to do some of that unselfish stuff my sponsor told me to do but looking forward to a chill night tonight got tomorrow off so I am going to bed early tonight

9/7/09- yeah labor day man no work today and we even got out of programming just a lazy day all around we went down to the diner for lunch my first time eating there and the food was great really enjoying the whole thing today life is good and all is well god bless

Chris D.

8/11/09            Today has been so busy. It has been one of those days were every second has been filled with something to do. The only rest I got at all was when we went to the meeting. It has been really great to be back outside working but it does keep me crazy busy. I would rather have a shovel in my hand for eight hours than be sitting in the house with nothing to do, though.

            We went to the Hugs Not Drugs meeting tonight and I really got a lot out of it. The topic was on prayer and our relationships with a higher power and that has been something that I have tripping on lately. I feel closer to God today than I ever have in my life and I am just now really staring to see the ways that he is working in my life and how a lot of my prayers are being answered. Anyway, it is like midnight and I still have to write eight hundred words so I am out.

8/12/09            Tonight I was able to do something that I have never done before, I gave a lead in our

weekly AA meeting and chaired it. I was really nervous at first but as soon as I started to speak I got over it. I realized something about where I am at in my sobriety today, too. When Nick asked me to speak it was right before the meeting and as soon as I started to get nervous I prayed. That is something I would have never considered doing four months ago but it was my first thought. I felt like I needed help so I just asked God to help me. I didn’t pray for self-centered reasons either. I prayed that God would give me the strength to speak so that I could help out someone else. For me that Is incredible progress and I am glad that today that I am starting to see God work in my life and that I have a relationship with him.

8/13/09            Today has been a really long day. I worked from seven to four and on all of my breaks I had to either write words or do other house stuff. I wasn’t in dinner last night so I was not able to get any credits on my essays and I got seventeen hundred words that had to be done by dinner today. Then, when I got off work we had dinner and then a four and a half hour group to deal with some stuff that has been going on in the house. Right after that I had to come straight in and do my bedroom and take out all the trash and wipe down all of the fridges. It has been one of those types of days where one thing just runs into the next. I just hope that my pass that I am putting in for gets approved. I am applying for my first twenty-four hour pass and I am the first person since I have been here to attempt it and only be on Liberty status. I am hoping for the best but I don’t expect it to happen. It will be great if does because I could really use a break!

8/14/09            *$*Reflections*$*

8/15/09            It is Friday night and I am so tired I can’t see straight. It has been a busy week and I am ready for a break. I put in to take my first twenty-four pass tomorrow after Family Group and I am hoping and praying that it gets approved. I can’t explain how bad I want to get out and just be able to chill for a night. We set up to go to this pimp place on Cumberland Lake called State Dock so if it gets approved it should be cool. I have never seen anyone on Liberty apply for a twenty-four hour pass so I am kind of worried it might get shut down. Man I hope not. I need a break!

8/16/09            I am getting ready to walk out the door and go to State Dock on Cumberland Lake. I am looking forward to taking my first twenty four hour pass and getting to go to the lake. I have been told that State Dock is one of the nicest places in this area so it should be fun. I really needed a break from everything, too. It will be great to get out of the house for a little bit and just kick back. I have everything done for tomorrow so the only thing I have to worry about now is not getting sun burnt!

8/17/09            Today has been one of the better days I have had in a long time. I went out on a twenty four pass with my mom, Shaun and his sister and we got a cabin on Lake Cumberland. It was sick. We got there last night and just kind of chilled around the park and went down to the dock and ate. Then today we rented a pontoon for a few hours and just cruised around the lake. Getting to go out with them and just get out of the house was the break I needed.

8/17/09(continued)            God I am so bored. I have gotten used to working again so when we are off I have a hard time occupying my time. I have a few little things I need to do but nothing that is going to take up much of the day. One thing I need to do is work on my fourth step. I have not got a chance to do anything on it in like a week so it will be good to make some progress on that. I am getting ready to start my sex inventory so that should take up a few hours at least. I already made a list of everyone but I was given direction to go through one by one and write about in what ways I harmed each of them. God knows I did a lot of damage so that shouldn’t be very hard to do.

8/18/09            I am in a real negative mood right now. I have been working on my fourth step all day to day and I even stayed back from the meeting and spent like two hours by myself just stewing on the negative stuff that I have done over the years. It was a bad decision now that I look back it. Sitting in all that negativity and just looking at all of the dirty things I have done really messed me up. It has put me in a pessimistic spot and I have just been in a overall fowl mood because of it. Things that would normally roll right of off me have been eating me up. I tried to call my sponsor so I could talk to him about some of it but he got into a car wreck today so I wasn’t able to get in touch with him. I need to check in with some the guys but right now I am just so tired that I don’t know if I will or not. I know that is a bad way to look at it but right now I honestly don’t care. I need to do something to get out of this spot though.

8/19/09            Today has been much better than yesterday. Last night I was in a real negative spot and had a just could not get out of it. Luckily, I was able to get up this morning and check in with a few guys and get back into a good spot. Our morning meditation was on gratitude and it helped me look at all the good things that I have and all the things I have to be thankful in because of the house. I see now that the reason I was in such a bad place was because I worked on my fourth step four like three or four hours last night and looking at all the bad things I have done just made me feel like a piece of garbage and that anger just carried over into everything else. Anyway, things are cool now and I am glad that today I can recognize why I get messed up and am able to do what I need to and get out of it.

8/20/09            Today has been a slow day. We worked until like two and then I came in and just messed around all day. We had our meeting here but besides that I just sat around and watched t.v. I talked to my sponsor today about finishing my fourth step which is cool. I have put a lot of time into it and I am ready to just put it behind me and move on. It is a tough step but it has brought out a lot of things that I needed to look at and deal with. Besides that, today was pretty uneventful.

8/21/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/22/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/23/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/24/09            I just got off of a long trip on the reflections table and I am just glad to be back in the house. I hate to sit on that table and not be able to talk to all of my boys and not be a part of the house. I know I am going to be right back on for even longer tomorrow but it feels good to be off for now. I had to write a cop list and there was a lot of snarly stuff on there so I would not be surprised if I got another forty of fifty grand. I already wrote thirty for some of the contracts but there is a lot of other stuff on there so I guess I will have to see what happens. It feels good to just put all of that stuff out there and be completely honest with the house, though. I feel like a hypocrite pulling covers when I know that I have been really sleezy, too. It is all behind me now so I will just have to man up and take my consequences and move on.

8/25/09            The last day or two has been pretty rough. It seems like I can’t get anything right and I have been getting more strikes than I have gotten in months. I just can’t seem to get my head in the house and I can’t even get the little simple things that are usually second nature to me right. I have been waiting to read that cop list and I think that has my mind going in a hundred different directions. I wish I could just get it over with and move on because I am getting tired of it getting put off. Every single day they tell me I am going to read it and then I don’t. It has been a pain. I just want to get it all done, put it behind me and get back to doing what I need to do. 

8/26/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/27/09            Tonight I have really been trippin on some the ties and friendships that I have made since being in the house. I have been trying to make arrangements to go back home and get me house ready to sell and I have had two guys volunteer to come help me as soon as I brought it up. For me, having people just want to help me out for no other reason besides that I need it is nuts. I have had a few friends that have been there for me but they have been few and far between. Just knowing that I have people around me now that are there for me and care is a great feeling. It has been something that has put me in a whole letter better spot and has put me back in gratitude for being here. I have been falling away from gratitude recently and things like this make me realize how good things are for me right now.

8/28/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/29/09            *$* Reflections *$*

8/30/09            *$* reflections *$*

8/31/09            *$* Reflections *$*

9/1/09            I just got off a long trip on the reflections table and it is good to be back in the house. I had to sit on the table all weekend and watch everyone go out on pass and just kick it and chill. It really made me want to get off reflections and back into the house.

 I wrote a cop lists (a list of everything that I have done wrong in the house) and I ended up getting like fifty thousand words for that and I got another ten for some other things that happened. Most of the words came from all of my contracting in the house. Oh well, I put it all out there, got honest, and now I can just move on and put it behind me.   

9/2/09            I am in a real weird spot right now. All the little things are really starting to get to me and I am falling into a resentful attitude. It has just been one of those days where I can’t get into to gratitude and I am just struggling to stay positive. I think a lot of it has to do with the situation with my house. It has been a big issue for me ever since I got here and I have been thinking a lot about it lately. I made the decision to sell it and just thinking about letting it go and all of the things that I have to do to get it ready is just messing me up. I don’t know what to do about it, either. I have talked to my sponsor, talked to the guys and it is just always in the back on my mind. I guess it is just going to be one of those things that will be really hard to deal with no matter what.

9/3/09            I feel terrible today. There has been something going around and like four or five of us are sick. It feels like the flu. My nose is all messed up, I have no energy what-so-ever and my head is pounding. It is like being dope sick all over again. I don’t know how I put up with that for so long. That up and down roller was complete and utter insanity.

9/4/09            I am really looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow is family group and I put in for a twenty four hour pass to go to Huntington. It will be weird to go back home for the first time in four months but I need to go and make some moves toward getting my ready to sell. Hopefully it all works out and I can get some work done to it.

9/5/09            *$*Reflections *$*

9/6/09            On Twenty four hour pass

9/7/09            Today has been a really good day. I went out on a twenty four hour pass with my mom last night and it gave me that little bit of relief that I needed. I always feel so much better after I get a little break from the house. I had set up to take a pass back home originally but it got shot down in family group. I was all upset about that but everything ended up working out for the best. We ended up going to Eagle Heights with Tyler, Shawn and Tyler’s mom and sister and it was a really good time. Even though I didn’t get to go home things turned out really well.

9/8/09            Today has been a rough day. I got a little brother who is off the chain and he has been testing my patience like no other. I have tried to be as tolerant as possible but this kid is just ten types of messed up. He even wet his bed last night. I have been trying my best to look at him with some sympathy and to not be critical of him but it has been hard. I know he is just a sick alcoholic but sometimes it’s not easy to keep that in mind.

9/9/09            Today has been a pretty slow day. I had to take two of the guys to the doctor in Liberty and then take a few of the guys to the garden and that was about it. I had to go to this grief group tonight which is pretty lame but luckily it didn’t last long. Not much else has been going on. The only thing is that I got some direction from my sponsor which I am not real happy about. I have wanted to get in touch with this girl Laynie and I ran it by him to see what he thought. Without hesitation he told me no. I would kill to just write her a letter or call her to see if she is doing trying to straighten her life out but for now I am just going to listen to him and trust that he knows what is best. She is probably still getting high everyday and I would be surprised if anything has changed in her life at all so I understand why it could be a problem to get back in touch with her. Plus, we have a long, sick history so who knows what would happen if I started talking to her again. The way he put it to me made a lot of sense though. He told me that I couldn’t get her well but she could get me sick. Right now I am just going to have faith in his direction and trust him even though I do not want to. 

Shaun L.

8-11-09- Today we did not work because the guy that is our boss landscaping is having problems with another person working at the house.  It sucks because today is a really good day to work and I really need to make money to pay rent.  Anyway I am going to try to get a hold of my lawyer today because she is going to court for me tomorrow.  I hope that I talk to her because I got some stuff that I need to go over her with.  Last night we went to a N.A. meeting in Somerset and I got to talk to my sponsor and we figured out that he will come by on Wednesday so we can go over step work.  I need to call him today and figure out what time he will stop by so we can do what we need to do.  Last night to I got my six month key tag which I am so grateful for.  Today I got my six months in the house and am now a senior member.  Tomorrow we have senior members group and I can attend.  Today I need to finish my three quarter status and pass it in. 

8-12-09- Today is another day full of things that I got to do.  This morning I woke up and got my essays done. Next thing I did after breakfast was did my chore and then headed to Liberty with Cameron to give him a ride to Adult Ed. Class. After that I came back and went to work and now I am getting some lunch and I am giving Dan a ride to the doctors.  After I drop Dan off I am picking Cameron up and getting some McDonalds and heading back home.  When I get back home I got to finish my three quarter status proposal before dinner.  So up to dinner I am a busy guy today.  So I will be back with more stuff to add to this.

8-13-09- Today I am at work and again I am tired.  I got to catch up on my sleep really bad.  Last night after dinner we had group until like ten thirty last night which was really long.  The group was about Andrew being on gersh and Adam where ha was at as being the manger.  After group Matt and I went to McDonalds and talked about real stuff.  Today I hope that my three quarter status gets brought up tonight so I can have a chance to write my words for my cop-list and get the status.  I am kind if nervous, but I think that I will get it because I am in a good spot in the house right now. 

8-14-09- REFLECTIONS

8-15-09- Today is family group and I am in a really good spot in terms that I got my words done this morning for my cop-list.  I stayed up last night almost to shut down to write my words and then I woke up this morning to finish writing my words and had them done by the time that breakfast was over.  I also found out that I got a two dollar raise at work and that I got a good amount of money on my books that I have earned myself.  So anyway I am probably going to go out on a pass tonight with Chris D, his mom, and my sister.  We are going to the state dock that is on Lake Cumberland in Jamestown.  I hope that we get to go on pass because it will be very fun.  Any ways I am going to go get some food from the pot luck that we are having.

8-16-09- Out on pass

8-17-09- Today we are out at work and I am in a good spot in terms that I have caught up on some sleep and really feel that I am honoring my work out side.  Also I had a really good time out on my pass.  We ended up leaving and staying at a cottage on Lake Cumberland.  Then we went out on a boat on the water the next day.  It was really fun and I had a good time with my sister and Chris D. and his mom.  Tonight at the meeting I am going to go over my step work with my sponsor which I can really not wait to do.  So anyway all is good for today.

8-18-09- Today I am a better spot then I was last night.  Last night I was tripping on some stuff and then talked about it with my sponsor.  I talk to my sponsor at the meeting while I was going over my step three with him.  Next week or in a couple of days I am going to start working my fourth step which I am kind of nervous about because I got a lot of stuff on it and I want to make sure that I get it all.  Today we probably are not going to work because it is raining outside, but I wish it would stop because I really need to make some money real bad.  Anyway I am in a good spot or a better spot today.  I hope that I can call my lawyer and do some step work and journaling.

8-19-09- Last night we had a grief group here upstairs which was really good.  All the guys got real about the things that were messing them up.  I talked about my boy Mike Miller and my boy Jake Brayall and how their deaths messed me all up.  It felt good to be able to talk about how I felt about these situations.  I learned a lot from the feedback that I got last night and the guy that put the group on talked how working the steps can help out a lot.  We did not get to work yesterday due to the rain, but I hope that we get to work today because I really need the money real bad.  I tried calling Boone, but he did not answer.  Well that is where I am at.

8-20-09- Today I am in a better spot then where I was after dinner.  During dinner I got my covers pulled for being passive aggressive and I got pissed at Chris D. for writing a attitude check on me and not pulling me up earlier in the day when we hung out prior to dinner.  At senior members group we talked about what happen at dinner and I got a clear definition of what the word passive aggressive is and saw how at dinner I was closed minded and that I need to stay open minded to the things that are on.  Also I checked in with Jimmy and cleared up some feelings that I have had that have been messing me up and took a look at them and then just let them go.  Today we are working, but I feel kind of tired.  I can not wait until this weekend to catch up on some sleep.

8-21-09- Today I am tired because we had a real long group last night that lasted until three thirty in the morning or that is when I went to sleep.  Last night in group Brian S, read the craziest cop-list that I have ever heard and in his cop-list he was contracted with five people in the house.  Last night to Brian D. got called out by Ray for contracting with Brian S. and he ended up leaving during group which is crazy because he has been here for six months.  Ronnie was another cat that we grouped on and he has been contracting in the house ever since he got here eight months ago.  Anyway I am real tired today and out at work.  I am on my lunch break and got some things that I got to do so I will signing off.

8-22-09- Today is a pretty chill day.  I got a good amount of sleep last night which was really cool and that is why I feel in such a good mood today.  I talked to my dad this morning which was really cool because I have only talk to him a handful of times since I have been here.  He seemed in a really good mood the fact he is working now.  This morning I am going with Tyler to go pick up a new guy for the house from a town called Franklin I believe.  Anyway that is all for now.

8-23-09- Today I had to wake up and help Jason cook breakfast for the house.  Last night I was kind of pissed that I had to cook and have a chore on Sunday because I have had to be a cook assistant for the last three Sundays.  Then I took a look at it last night after being pissed for like twenty minutes and realized it was fir selfish reasons that I wanted sleep and that the Sunday before I was out on pass and really didn’t have to do my chore anyway.  Also I can sleep after breakfast and really I like to cook food and be of service for the house.  So this morning I am in a good mood and after breakfast I am going to get some sleep. 

8-24-09-  Today I woke up and after getting all the sleep last night and yesterday I still felt a little tired.  I really think that I have hepatitis C., but I am not sure so I got to go get tested.  I know like five months ago I got tested for three things, one being A.I.D.S. and I tested negative.  I guess I am going to just have to wait and see.  Anyways I am going to call my cousin’s Kerri and Karen and wish them happy birthday once I am done blogging.  Tonight I got to get direction from my sponsor when I see him at the meeting tonight and start on writing my forth step.  Anyway I feel like I am not as tired now that the day has got started and I have been outside working.

8-25-09- Today I am out at work and it was cold this morning and now it is hot outside.  Work is going alright.  Last night we went to a meeting at Somerset N.A. and it was a meeting where I heard what I needed to hear which was what I really learned when I first came into this program which is acceptance of my higher powers plan for me.  It is so crazy how it is so true how the saying goes that we are hard learners and easy forgetters because now that I got a little time it really holds true.  So anyway that is where I am at today.

8-26-09- Last night we had grief group and it kind of had a weird vibe in terms of where everyone was at with their grief.  I feel like acceptance was my answer and that I just had to remember the tool that I learned that has helped me out in the beginning of my recovery which is god has a plan for me and that I must accept that this is his world not my own.  Today I realize that I need to stop procrastinating and that I got to write a list of all the things that I got to do so I do not let the things I need to do fall back on the back burner.  Today Boone has not come in yet and hopefully he comes in soon so we can start work.  Already today I have got done the basic things that I need to do and I got now do the things that I need to do that our on my list of stuff that I got to do.  So anyway today I am going to handle business and stay focused.

8-27-09- Last night we had senior member group after the N.A. meeting and a lot of us talked about the things that we feel we need to do in the future.  I know that we need thing about what we got to do next and make sure we plan things out, but not look to fare ahead in the future that we start tripping out.  After senior members group Matt and I went to McDonalds in Liberty and talked about how gambling was a problem for my brother and how it could be a problem.  We also talked about his work and what he does and then we talked about what happened in dinner with Ronnie yesterday and then talked about graduating.  Today I got to stop procrastinating and get things done that I need to get done because Boone woke up late so we are starting work late.

8-28-09-  Last night after dinner I got a little brother and his name is Mike W. and he is from Toletio, Ohio.  It is cool that I got a little brother in the fact that I feel it is a answer from my higher power for what I have been praying about to praying for the power of his will and the power to carry his will out.  It is crazy how that type of stuff happens.  Anyway I am working today outside and I got to work a full week this week because the weather stayed good.

8-29-09- Today I brought seven guys down to the diner to eat lunch and it was cool to be of service. Then for the rest of the day I came back home and went to sleep until dinner. Tonight I am going to the airport to go pick up a new guy and that is pretty much going to be the last thing that I today.  I got a bunch of things that I need to do today and I need to make sure that I get them done and not do one of my worst character defects which is to procrastinate.

8-30-09-  Today I woke up early and took a shower and started writing some words and getting what I need to done early.  I need to make sure that I get certain things done so that I am in the write spot that I need to be by the end of the day.  Last night Joe M. and I went and picked up the new guy Stephen from the Lexington airport.  He seems like a cool cat and seems like he really wants to get sober.  It is cool to that he is from Boston because he has that New England accent.  So anyways this morning I am going to church with Boone and it is crazy because I have never went to a real church before, only time I ever went to church was in private school and it had a base religion.  It is kind of weird to I believe in Buddhism, but I am going for a learning experience. 

8-31-09- Today is a pretty good day so fare.  I am in a good spot.  I got real humble last night in terms that my higher power put a lot of things in front of me that allowed me to see his will and then do his will.   Yesterday going to church they talked about sloth blocking us from gods will and that was something that I had to hear.  Then for the rest of the day I took action and helped people out in the house do their programs, took on person in charge, wrote all my essays, ran new comers, ran ten step, helped my lil bro, and checked in with some guys.  Overall I got humble and went to bed feeling at peace last night.  Everything today just feels clear.  

9-01-09- This morning it was so cold outside when I woke up and it was like that yesterday morning to.  I woke up this morning and felt like I am getting the cold that is going around the house in terms that I am getting a sore throat.  Also I woke up this morning and called Boone and he was not feeling well and that he was not coming in this morning so I found some work for the guys and we are going to go out to work after banking and meds, other then that I feel good.  Last night I shared at a outside meeting and I kept my voice calm and collected and man it felt good in terms that I getting comfortable at speaking at meeting outside the house which was a big problem of mine.  All and all it’s a good day.  

9-02-09- Last night after dinner I found out that I got another little brother which at first I looked at it the wrong way thinking that it was going to be more of a hassle, but then noticed it allowed me to grow a lot more and helped me out a lot being able to help some one else out and in return help me out a lot too.  I am starting to feel really sick in terms that I got a cold and this cold is all up in my head and throat.  Yesterday I talked to my sister and I think that I am going to go on a forty eight hour pass to Chicago.  I hope that the pass gets accepted, but I will not know until I pass it in.  I went for a run and man my legs are hurting like hell.  I need to do more on my step work and stop procrastinating.

9-03-09- Yesterday we got a lot done at work with the water fall which is really cool.  I am really starting to enjoy doing this type of work because it touches on the design and being artistic which I like to do.  Also we worked a hard day yesterday only taking one brake during the day.  Last night we had senior members group and I talked about how I talked to my lawyer and found out that they only wanted to give me a year in jail, but that the judge was really all about treatment and that I hope by the grace of god that I do not have to serve any time at all.  I keep having more faith as I see my higher power working for me in my life.  I called my sponsor and talked to him about it and he told me just to accept gods plan for me and that is what I must do.  

9-4-09- Today I am getting a little more tired again and man I got a bunch of strikes last night in terms that I got item out times three and my little brother Chase got some item out strikes too.  I got to make sure that I get my pass in tonight by dinner so I can be able to go to Chicago with my sister on a pass.  Last night we had a crazy group in terms that we grouped two guys for a while that were doing sleazy stuff in the house and everyone in the house has to write a cop-list by dinner on Saturday night by dinner.  Boone just got here so now I am going out to work to go get some things done and make some money.

9-5-09- Yesterday we worked a really long day in terms that we worked eleven hours which is really good because if I can go out on pass then I am going to miss two days of work next week.  Last night at dinner I came in to get credits on my words and every senior member in the house was on reflections except for me so I had to be person in charge two days in a row.  Today I got to right my cop-list before dinner and make sure that my two little brothers do too.  I can not wait to see my sister when she comes to group today because man I really do miss her.  I hope that my pass gets approved and that I can go with my sister to Chicago.

9-6-09- Yesterday was cool.  I had a really good family group.  We had a lot of people at the group because we got so many newcomers and we had a lot of food.  It was cool to that my pass got accepted and that I can go to Chicago out on pass.  I am happy in terms that I am going to be able to hit up a couple of N.A. meetings well I am out and get to meet my sister’s home group and be able to fellowship with them.  Also last night we all got together at the diner and got to hang out and do karaoke and chill.  It was cool to because the female house was there and we got to get off non-com with them well we both were there together. Anyway I am leaving this morning to head to Chicago and I am really excited. 

9-7-09- ON PASS

9-8-09- I just got back home this morning and I had a really good time this weekend.  I went to a N.A. meeting in Chicago Sunday night that was real good, it was in the ghetto.  On Monday I went to North Ave. Beach and fellowshipped with my sister’s Al-non home group, we ate barbeque and hung out on the beach.  On Monday night we hit up a N.A. meeting in Indianapolis which was cool because it was a big meeting with like fifty plus people and a lot were young people like me.  Anyway my pass was really a good experience and it was good to see the program working around the country and seeing people have the desire to want to stay sober.

9-9-09- Today is a pretty good day so fare.  I had a hard time waking up, but other then that It is good.  Today we are able to work later today which is good because I need the hours so I can pay my rent this week.  Last night at midnight we all went into Adam’s room and sang him Happy Birthday because he got one year of sobriety today.  It is cool to because today I got seven months of sobriety which has only happen by the grace of my higher power and this program.  Tonight I am going to catch up on some of my sleep if everything works out.  So all and all it’s all good.   

Jimmy

8-11 so yea just a few more days and I will see my mom and my sister man it will be weird its like the longest week ever I am so excited but yea I have so got to get through this fourth step sitting on like I am is really messing me up a little bit I have to say but any way I got to run now so talk to u soon

8-12 reflections

8-13 so any way my mom is coming tomorrow and I am just ecstatic over it my sister too I miss both of them so much I don’t know its gona be really weird but any way I am really grateful for the opportunity to see them

8-14 so I will see my mom and my sister today I don’t know what to really think about all that its just really crazy chase left last night and we had like a all out man hunt for him and then found him this morn and drove him to the main high way he was a wreck its just a little reminder of what’s waiting out their for me if I don’t stay on top of my program well any way I am grateful today bottom line

8-15 so I am just getting back from pass rite now every thing went really good with my family it was honestly a trip seeing my family they are doing really good I don’t know what else to say I love this house and I love sobriety

8-16 reflections

8-17 so any way this is crazy I have had such a great time with my family this weekend I love them with all my heart I am so lucky to still have them in my life my sister and my mom are every thing to me I am just really grateful rite now and just really tired I am probly not making since now so I better go to bed

8-18 wow another Rainey day I tell you this weather is really hard to get used to out here out in Kentucky I cant stand it too cuse it means no work for me any way I am still on cloud 9 after seeing my mom and sister this weekend I am such a lucky to still Have such a beautiful family that love me the way they do. Any way I went over a few resentments with my sponsor last night a few that I was still struggling with I am about done with my fourth and am getting reedy to drop the old 5th any day now how cool is that rite ok so I am so tired I cant even think now so I have better just say good bye and get back to this tomorrow

8-19 so any way I just got off the phone with my family and everyone got home safe I just feel kind of bad now that I think of it cuse when I talked to my mom she thanked me for taking me and my sister out to dinner and I really do believe that she liked that but I just wish that their was more that I could of brought to the table I totally feel in to some really selfish greedy behavior letting her and my sister do so much for me but on the flip side I am starting to pay half my rent for now on and I feel really good about that I know that becoming self supporting is probly most definitely the best thing that I can do for my family and my self and that’s all that anyone wants to see so I am headed in the rite direction I just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other if I am not moving forward I am moving backward there is no in-between  for a alcoholic like my self so yea that’s all for tonight folks

8-20 so any way a really good friend of mine is supposed to come to the ranch this Sunday its cool to see god answering prayers and working in other peoples life’s so yea I don’t know today was a good day we only worked half a day so I am not so happy about that the weather has been bad. bad weather = no work for us but I truly believe that I am living gods will and he’s got my back in this no matter what every thing will be ok I am going to bed sober tonight and that’s all that matters

8-21so  any way group was crazy last night I had to watch once again someone that I thought a lot about leave the house most likely I will never have any contact with him again I am sick of living like that its like you meet a good friend but know in the back of your mind that it is just some temporary thing either he or I will be released one day or they will leave the house and get arrested or I will leave the house and I don’t know how to explain what I am trying to express rite now I am tired and probly not making much since

8-22 wow these last couple days have honestly been really intense a lot of grouping late nights early mornings and long hot days working bottom line today was a growing day it must have been because I was uncomfortable all day ha-ha that’s a good thing and definitely something to be grateful for

8-23wow I cant believe how fast time goes by when your sober you know what I mean its all reedy the 23rd of august I don’t know if it even has any thing to do with sobriety I guess its just that I am getting older or something so yea this weekend has been really nice and relaxing I am kind of stressed out with all the new changes they have set up outside for work in all I want to continue to do my best to pay rent but I also have to look at getting a license any way its like 1:30 and I am tiered so I am going to sleep  now until next time

8-24 no work today I thought their were guys that needed the hours so I sent them out in place of me besides I have a lot of stuff I need to do today I would like to hit up the dentist and then jc Malone to go get a legit 40 hr a week job I really need to start racking up that money hard so I can start to write my own ticket as Larry says

8-25 so yea I got all this stuff coming up tomorrow all of it I am pretty excited for teeth cleaning and job interviews I got to go to bed now I don’t feel good

8-26 omg god is definitely working in my life today in so many ways its really cool I have been trying to pry a different way a way that’s suggested in this book that I am reading that talks a lot of spirituality and prayer they explain how when asking for things in prayer you are stuck in the problem by thanking your higher power as if what you wanted has all ready bee granted to you, you are sitting in prayer stuck in solution and I have been practicing it and I have just been in awesome spots lately  any way I am stoked on life today stoked on sobriety living life by spiritual principles to the best of my ability is a gift that I cant buy on any street corner

8-26 so I just thanked my grandpa today I cant believe what he did for us that is so cool of him I love my life today I see god everywhere  its crazy chase will be here tomorrow I have prayed so much for him its unreal

8-28 so yea group was nuts tonight I don’t even know what to say about any of that I am glad chase made it out here its seriously a miracle that he did  I don’t even know how to really express all that but any way I am just really tired and I got to go to sleep now

8-29 o man my mouth hurts I got some surgery done narcotic free I am pretty pumped up on that you know what I mean my sobriety is definitely worth way more then a few days of comfort so yea I am just knida down and out rite now but it will get better

8-30 so any way I am excited to go to church tomorrow I think its gona be nice to see how that goes its weird though every time I end up going to church I leave really disappointed I don’t know if that makes much since but its definitely the truth I just am really tired rite now and will probably go to sleep so good night

8-31 so any way I am just hanging out today not really doing much of any thing cuse I am sick sick sick I am really having a good time being a big bro with chase and what not it means a lot to give back to a guy that helped me out so much before any way I got to go now

9-1 so yea I thought I was sick yesterday you would not believe how I am today I feel like I am gona die and I am all crazy from sleeping way to much I need to work I am getting all stressed out over that

not having money and what not I don’t know what else to say

9-2 man I am so stressed out I am not feeling good at all actually I don’t think I have ever been this sick and yet I still have all these responsibilities that I need to take care of I guess this is like one of those life on life’s terms sort of things I don’t know  I just wish I could put the world on hold till I get better or whatever but that’s pretty un real any way I am gona go to bed now I hope I feel better in the morning Hi Sissy

9-3 o man I don’t think I have ever in my whole entire life been this sick back to bed back to bed

9-4reflections

9-5reflections

9-6 so yea I am totally stoked today I am about to spend the day with my sponsor I need to talk with him any way my heads been kind of spinning out on some stuff whatever it will all work its self out no matter what any way I am bout to get ready

9-7 stomach flu is still kickin hard I have lost a lot of weight and a lot of money its pretty weak I have to say but yea I cant stop stressing on how much money I am losing out on every day its just nuts but its all rite every thing is all rite you know so yea I am ok emotionally though and that is all that matters I am rambling now so good bye

9-8 ok so I might be feeling a little bit better today I am gona go out and work today I hope its warm out side I have so much today that I have to take care of I better come through you know what I mean call jc Malone and whatever it will all work out any way I got to run now so see ya

9-9well well the checks in the mail come tomorrow and I will finally be eligible for the first time in years to get my license back that’s so exciting I don’t even know what to say about that’s all just really weird to me how every thing is coming together so well in my life today I don’t even know really what to say about that I am just stoked its really cool I got to go now so yea god is good